Time To Move On...

I never thought this day would come, but I never thought I would become so powerful an influence that I would gain the attention of Google, the most powerful corporate force in the world. But apparently what I've been saying doesn't flow with their conservative cut-throat corporate ways, and they're trying to shut me down. But it's of no use. You can now find me at Helpful Hints For Living a Happy Life, where I will continue in my unwavering quest to kill corporate greed exemplified by groups like Google, and give this country back to the working man, exemplified by great Americans like Lou Dobbs.

It ain’t Dylan Going Electric, But…

In my days as a young tyke, I like many other children out there felt there was no better feeling in life than the fourth quarter/ninth inning comeback. Surely there was nothing better, and why would anyone waste their time trying to achieve anything else? This, of course, was before I discovered sex, music, drugs (nothing too hard) and the like. But the end-of-the-game comeback was the most pure pleasure I could have enjoyed. The adrenaline was like nothing else, and that was all I wanted out of life.
This is the story of many kids of all generations. We worshipped those who were paid for the experience (paid disgusting salaries, as a matter of fact), and that’s why Sports Center probably has had a bigger influence on me as a person than perhaps any other show, song, movie, person in through all kinds of media. The eternal debate back then was whether it would be good to comeback on the road (the advantage of silencing 60,000 people all at once) or at home (the obvious advantage being that the 60,000 people are louder than anything on Earth and it’s all because of – and for – you) was the most partisan argument you could find.
The reason I look back at the hours spent watching Sports Center as a positive influence is because of the people who were at the helm in those days. I had come to expect news anchors of all stripes to be serious, pompous, humorless jerks. The anchors on Sports Center showed me that it could actually be fun and work at the same time. Keith Olberman and Craig Kilbourne brought a sense of humor to a medium that had long catered to undereducated, self-righteous stuffed shirts and ex-athletes who knew nothing more than who the third string right tackle was for the 1965 Oilers. Their personality didn’t translate to the real world, and therefore it was hard to relate to these people. Certainly, if I shared the same passions as these people, I was going to be in a lot of trouble (I do realize that Olberman and Kilbourne were not the first sportscasters with a good sense of humor, but they were as far as the scope of my experience reached, so BACK OFF!). It was watching them that I realized I didn’t want to be a professional athlete; I wanted to be the guy who makes smart comments about the professional athletes. They looked like they were having fun, and without the crippling injuries (if you don’t count career injuries, which we will discuss).
So it is needless to say that I was disappointed when I’d heard that Kilbourne was leaving to start “The Daily Show” on Comedy Central. First of all, I didn’t like to stay up to 11 back then, and second, the idea of such a talented man doing a show on a network whose flagship show was old reruns of “Kids in the Hall” seemed like a terrible waste of talent.
Kilbourne would earn mild success with “The Daily Show,” a fact that has been pulverized by the immense success of Jon Stewart’s takeover of the show. I never watched Kilbourne’s version, but it sounds like his sense of humor didn’t translate too well to the political arena. From there, his luck worsened as he had a sturdy, but ultimately unsuccessful run backing up Letterman. He had built his own following, but it was perhaps a little too much like Letterman, with his eccentric sense of humor that “not everyone gets.” Kilbourne didn’t last too long, and it’s a damned shame. He was so talented where he began, but he was blinded by the big bucks, and it spelled his downfall (Of course, for all I know, he could be living in a mansion in Jamaica with a beautiful Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, that would be a pretty smooth downfall). I would imagine Jon Stewart’s success with a crossover to the sports world would be similarly successful. It’s good to want to enter new areas of knowledge, but it can be dangerous.

As for Olberman, it took him a few more years to move on from his day job. I guess he figured that once they started letting Stuart Scott in the studio, it was time to move on (No, that wasn’t meant to be a racist joke, it was simply a slight nod to those of us who remember Scott as a reporter out in the field; always talking in an empty stadium/arena, and never really doing the big stories; known better as “that guy who looks like Carlton from Fresh Prince.” Believe me, I was applauding the day that Carlton became an anchor…I swear!).
To MSNBC Olberman went, slowly finding a niche as one of possibly three liberal television personalities on cable news. I started watching him every once in a while, and I realized that this guy is pretty good. He says interesting things; his sense of humor does translate to the political arena, and whomever he talks to, whether he agrees with them or not, he isn’t sitting on a mike-cutting button that he can pounce on when needed. Olberman’s a good shit, and now that he’s found a niche as a small-time commentator with a loyal following, it’ll be interesting to see how long they wait to cancel him due to low ratings. What may be even more surprising is that Joe Scarborough doesn’t seem so evil now that he’s not on Fox news. I really don’t know what’s going on in the world when I can stomach five minutes of him.
But I’m talking about Keith. His show, Countdown, revolves around five main stories, and he likes to talk about in depth, usually with little outside commentary (which I think is a good thing, because when I really want to watch two adults act like five-year-olds, I’ll hang out my parents). He has two features that he uses on almost every show: The worst person of the day award (he also includes two finalists, the worse, and worser) and his long drawn out soliloquies at the end of each show. They are usually spoken in the second person and directed for the most part at the president. Whoever writes his scripts is very good, and he’s not afraid to use big words; the sign of a true Democrat.
His speeches are given with just a hint of anger, but mostly, you can tell Olberman is just trying to get through his tirade without botching any words. But he almost always gets through them, and you find yourself not only agreeing with him, but admiring the way he is able to lend voice to what many of us are thinking, but are having a hard time saying. Don’t get me wrong, Olberman is not a genius. He’s just good at what he does; something that will eventually get him crucified as soon as he becomes famous enough.
So the old Sports Center crew is batting .500, not bad by any standards. Scott is still doing football with Berman, a man who would love to switch media arenas if he could only find another use for the “He could…go…all…the…way…” line that he is probably sick of using by now. Maybe there’s a reality dating show that could use his commentary.

So, what made me think of this? I was listening to Olberman’s speech at the end of the day, and I had an epiphany that I’ve had a thousand times before, but I think is important to remember. There really is no difference between what Olberman was doing ten years ago, and what he’s doing now. And, why is that? It’s not because he’s an anchor, and it’s roughly the same job, it’s that the material is roughly the same. I mean, how different from sports are politics? They both have a bottom line contest, a zero-sum game of winner and loser. If it’s a win-win situation in the House or Senate, no one gives two shits about it anyways. What also makes these two competitions so similar is their importance to our lives; as in none.
Now, I should clarify here, because I hate when people talk about how voting is a waste of time, and no matter what happens, my life won’t be different. That’s not true, and anyone who says different is too lazy to care whether or not they benefit from the taxes they constantly bitch about paying to get off their ass and walk a few blocks to the precinct (and if you live in Oregon, you’re really lazy). What doesn’t matter is the process, what does matter is the result. In this manner, the sports arena is contrary to my theory. Take a college football game being played by two similarly ranked teams. It is a very well played game and the winner isn’t decided until the final seconds. Ask yourself how much who the winner is really matters. In some ways, it doesn’t matter at all. It was a close game, and sometimes the difference can mean a stiff breeze, or a blown call (just ask Oklahoma). Both teams are really the same skill, and watching them arrive at that final point is a beautiful thing to see. The end is always fun to watch, but the process of watching the two teams is incredibly interesting, and that’s why we watch football.
In politics, the process is the ugliest thing you will ever see. I watched a House race debate in Indiana (I think) and it literally took less than a minute for the two candidates to start calling each other names. Attack ads have become racist, sexist, dishonest and senseless in all manner of speaking. Pundits bitch about how they’re worse than last time, and they’re probably right because these people have absolutely no shame. Unlike football, watching a political race is like watching a train wreck (that’s why I watch it). People don’t even blink before politicizing the fact that a House member should probably be in jail for molesting underage children who wanted little more than to work at the Capitol. That’s fucked up.
It’s a disgusting thing to watch, but that doesn’t mean you should stop, I certainly have no intention of doing so. What I do think we need to do is separate the shit from the shit. It’s possible that I’ve become so callous that I can follow a race like this without becoming emotionally invested (it also helps that I’m not in a state with any key races this time, or any time for that matter) in the outcome. But maybe that’s what we need. Maybe, only then will this shit stop working, and maybe the shit will stop all together (pause for laugh). I wouldn’t mind. I could always watch the WWF, or whatever they call that pageant these days.
To finish (yes, finally) I would just like to say that when I spoke of the process earlier, I wasn’t talking about the most fundamental aspect of elections; the actual act of voting. This is probably the most important part of our government (at least, that’s what they told me in 4th grade), but the shit that surrounds it forces us to forget this. I should also say that while I may not think the outcome of the election is important, it is still important to stay engaged. That’s the only thing that keeps these scumbags from completely forgetting about us. Whoever “wins” tomorrow, little will change, but just going out there and saying, “Hey fuckers, I’m watching you” will do mountains of good in keeping us from getting too screwed over. I’m done with the serious shit; I’ll leave the rest up to Puff Daddy, or P-Diddy, or whatever the fuck his name is.

I wanted to talk a lot more before the election, but apathy prevented me from doing it. I wanted to talk about how Glen Beck is the most annoying dickhead in the world; the one guy who followed in President Bush’s tracks as the “Folksy” president, and runs a news show with the premise that he knows absolutely nothing about reporting the news…brilliant. I also wanted to discuss how John Kerry once again showed that the Democratic Party is comprised of the biggest group of pussies in the world. But neither of these revelations will come as a surprise you guys, and if you’re anything like me, you just want to get back to CNN.com, MSNBC.com, and any other semi-legitimate news site for election returns. Happy hunting, and whatever the outcome, just remember: little will be different tomorrow, and that’s a good thing.

School is Back in Session

Yes, yes, I’m back again. Let’s be honest. I always say I’m not going anywhere, and then I leave you, my faithful readers, to a life with no direction. I’d like to say this is the last time I leave, but I can’t make that promise. You want the truth? Really? The fact is I’ve found something better. That’s right; it’s called a real job. Actually, it’s almost a real job, but it’s something that I can live comfortably off of, and who needs anything else? So I’ve resigned myself to living a wasteful life. Like Bob Dylan, I’m deserting my followers, and opting for a life of peace and quiet away from all the craziness. But like Mr. Dylan, I haven’t been able to stay away long.
Sure, it’s true. I’ve left my lowly position in the mailroom for a more glamorous, rewarding life as a staff assistant. I don’t just deliver papers anymore, I make photocopies of them, put tabs on them, and sometimes they even let me read them. But those are only in times of great desperation. So, you can see why I have no need for my millions of adoring fans, and vast sums of money coming in from advertising revenue. I have a rewarding career (for about a year) working for a noble cause (construction contracting) in a noble field (corporate law). Life is but a dream.

But no matter how sweet my little life gets, something keeps drawing me back here, and it’s so fundamental and so obvious that I sometimes look right through it. There is nothing more rewarding keeping you, the voter, abreast on the great issues of the day. It is that for which I was born, and it is for that purpose to which I will put my abilities. But I can’t help you until you learn a little something about where I’ve been.
It’s been an exciting summer, that’s for sure. Actually, that’s not true at all. It was in fact a relatively boring summer. Sure there were some scandals here and there. More recently, North Korea tested a nuclear missile in possibly the biggest cry for attention the world has seen. They wanted to knock us off track, but they were not to prevail. They just don’t get it. We’re not going to give a fuck what the Asians do as long as they don’t have something we want. But in reality, it was a pretty scary moment. Talking heads dared to bring up the possibility of World War III, while Bush feigned interest in between campaigning and ridding the United States of habeus corpus. Our disdain for all words Latin knows no limits.
But otherwise, it’s hard to find anything of note that happened in the past three months worth note. True, there’s this Foley guy who was an adamant voice against homosexual rights, confusing it with pedophilia. He, of course turned out to be a pedophile himself. Who could have seen that coming?
It was also the end of a golden era of Hollywood megastars who thought they ran the world, or at least a world. Mel Gibson got caught making some unseemly comments after throwing down a few too many, and Tom Cruise was released from his contract with Paramount theatres after his erratic behavior started to confuse even Sumner Redstone, the man who owns cable television. In a particularly scathing press release, Redstone cited Cruise’s bad publicity as of late as being the reason for his dismissal. It’s a rare glimpse of truth from a group of people who are as petulantly noncommittal as politicians. The thing separating Cruise from Gibson and Foley in this case is that he didn’t feel the need to “check into rehab.” The sad thing is that he probably needs it more than the other two combined. I don’t know what they give you in the church of Scientology, but when it causes you to become violent towards Oprah, the most lovable person in the world, there has to be something wrong with it.

And that’s everything that happened last summer. As for me, I went to Kansas City for a week and saw how the other half lives. It’s not bad. They really eat well. I also spent a lot of time exercising. If the previous summer was the summer of lying in the sun and drinking myself to sleep in the warm air, this was the summer of biking, playing tennis, and even lifting weights every chance I got. I really miss the drinking myself to sleep part. I think I’ll have to go with that next summer. But that’s all that really happened. I think we’re pretty much up to speed.

And it seems that I’m back not a moment too soon. Midterms are two weeks away, and I’m just as jazzed as I was two years ago. And if my mild hopes of winning last year resulted in failure, my strong assurances of victory this year will surely yield some mild results. We may even win enough to take back the House, provided we don’t screw up in the next two weeks, and that is one monster “if.” Republicans can’t figure out what’s going on right now, and neither can I for that matter. The fact is that it’s time for the chickens to come home to roost (one of my “farm terms” I picked up in Kansas) and Republicans have to pay for all the shit they’ve done the past six years. It’s quite a large bill too. But if you are an elephant, you have to be happy with the way things have gone. The conservative agenda has left a burn on this country that won’t heal for a long time. The Atlantic Monthly thinks that it will take at least thirty years, not as long as Nixon (which we are still apparently paying for. Jesus that guy was a dick) made us pay, but a long time nonetheless.
But what has me and so many others baffled is that we don’t even know who we’re voting for. I mean, I know the name of my guy, but that’s only because he’s been with us for eight years now. I have no idea where he, or the party for that matter, stands on many issues. Howard Dean was on CNN this morning, and he gave three typically Democratic responses to such a question: Better health-care, ethics investigations, and raising the minimum wage. And that’s great, but weren’t we going to do that six years ago (except the ethics investigations to which they were more likely the subjects)? I guess you have to give them credit for sticking to their guns. Or maybe they’re just that bad at what they do; they can’t even come up with a clear plan, the same problem that’s plagued them for so long.

So there are thirteen days left, and we will have to see what happens. Will Nancy Pelosi become the second most powerful politician in the country? Will Dennis Hastert even have a job after the Senate Ethics Committee meets? Will anything change should the Democratic Party win one or both chambers in congress? Tune in, and maybe I’ll have enough motivation to keep you up to date. Goodnight.

When The Music’s Over…

Having lost faith in this country several years ago, I have been baffled in the past few weeks as to why President Bush’s approval ratings have been so low lately. I figured it was just a brief period in a cycle that miraculously sees more ups than downs. After all, like everything else in life, presidential approval ratings seem to be cyclical, especially in the second term where our most recent presidents seem to have the bulk of their problems. For Clinton, it was Lewinsky, for Reagan, it was Iran Contra, and for Nixon, it was Watergate. The list goes on and on. You can only hold the damn back for so long and those lucky enough to do if for four years are rewarded with four more, though these tend to be much more humiliating and less productive.
Bush hasn’t experienced any one giant scandal like his fellow two-termers, but rather small problem after small problem after small problem. Many of them have spilled-over from the first term. He held back the wrath of his sins as long as he could, but the music’s over and it’s time to pay the piper. After all, the piper played so well.
Times are tough, though, and Bush knows this better than anyone. His ratings have reached an all-time low, and are now matching Nixon’s ratings just before he left office. Jack Abramoff, Tom Delay, and Trent Lott have all played a role in this. Condoleezza Rice is still as creepy as ever, and no one knows what Rumsfeld and Cheney are going to do next, though one can be sure that bloodshed will be involved either directly or indirectly. All these people have plagued the president lately, but a wise man once said that presidencies are won and lost on one square foot of real estate (the brain, if you don’t already know that one), and Bush has no one to blame but himself. He’s tried to blame other people, and other people have been more than happy to take the bullet for him. It is their duty after all. However, all the white house aides in the world won’t be able to shield Bush from the novenas he has to make these days. Something has to give.
Bush has really tried to turn things around lately. He staged a highly publicized “shake-up” of the west wing, which was little more than a transparent attempt to give the impression things were changing by replacing radical conservatives with even more radical conservatives. These people would run for office themselves if they lived in districts with voters who would have elected Adolph Hitler if he hadn’t tried to kill all of us. But they live in terrible times, and are forced to serve a mumbling jackass who can’t get his shit together. So they do it the best way they know how, they steal what they can and run.
Aside from this radical staffing change, Bush has tried to implement some new policies. He decided it would be wise to invent the word “compromise.” It’s a crazy notion where you find a middle ground with someone you disagree with and that way you can both go away satisfied. Bush used this novel new method to end the immigration debate, and is using it with Iran. Rice announced today that the Bush administration would be entering into talks with the Iranian government. It was either the need to raise his ratings, or the fact that there are no soldiers left to fight that made Bush want to talk to these people. It would be nice to be a fly on the wall during these talks, but it probably won’t happen. After all, I don’t expect much talking to be going on. There will probably be a lot of yelling, and even a few fistfights, but nothing will get accomplished. But maybe I’m wrong, Perhaps Rumsfeld will break the Iranian military attaché’s legs, and feel bad about it. He will apologize by taking him out for ice cream at the insistence of Cheney where they will slowly start to talk and come to an understanding, and dare I say, gain a respect for each other. It will be quite the Kodak moment.

If you’re like me (a Democrat) you’re probably praying every night that this slump will last through November, and God willing, we will take back the house due to overwhelming concerns over the state of the GOP. However, our problem is that there is even greater concern on our side over the state of the Democratic Party. Senator Harry Reid, a way too silent leader of the party is in trouble for accepting boxing tickets from the Nevada gaming industry, and now faces accusations of bribery. Rep. William Jefferson’s (D) office was seized by the FBI, making it the first time that has ever happened at the capitol, and he’s not giving up without a fight.
We’re shooting ourselves in the foot, to say nothing of the fact that we have no plan, like Newt Gengrich’s “Contract with America” that the press has been so eager to draw parallels with.
So what do we do about this? The answer seems to be on the tip of everyone’s tongue, but we’ve all gone deaf, and no one can agree on the exact dialect of that answer. People bicker about abortion and gay marriage, and all the democratic topics that get our hearts a thumpin’, but we can’t come up with one steady message, and that will be our downfall.
I say we do what FEMA is doing. Pack it all in, start from the beginning, and pretend the last six years didn’t happen. Who’s with me? “Democrat” has been made into a dirty word anyways by the Republicans and we’re letting them. So why not come up with a new word? How about “moth?” The moth has a short memory and we’ll have no problem forgetting our past. So who wants to join the Moth party? Anyone? Fine, have it your way.
In all likelihood, we’ll win some of the house seats back this November, but not enough. We’ll spend two more years in misery, and then we’ll probably lose to someone who isn’t as bad as Bush, but still makes us cringe. Why fix it if it’s only three-quarters broke?

However, I could be wrong, and we may make a turn around before long. Anything’s possible. Either way, I think it’s important for us to think about the past six years. What was it that actually happened? I believe the answer to this lies in an analysis of Bush’s public persona. I’m not about to say anything new here, but it’s the first time for me, so just deal with it, or stop reading. I highly recommend you do the latter.
Bush is playing the role of the strong alpha male. He is stubborn, strong in his beliefs, and doesn’t waver. One only has to spend an evening watching television to understand that the strong male is what we American’s worship. Tony Soprano is probably the best example. He’s stubborn and strong and knows how to lead. But probably the most important thing to remember is that he’s not stupid. He doesn’t have book smarts, but he’s shrewd and knows how to get what he wants. He uses his charm and it always works. There’s no middle ground with this man. You’re either for him, or against him. Any time spent thinking is time wasted. If you can’t make up your mind in fifteen seconds, you can’t make up your mind. And never in a million years admit you’re wrong. Tony Soprano is the best example, but there are hundreds on television. And what do you think President Bush has been doing the past six years? He was certainly not governing. No, he’s been watching television and taking notes. And that’s the man we see on television every day. It’s why he walks like a gorilla in front of the cameras, and it’s why, until recently, he hasn’t wavered on any of his policies. It’s also why I believe this latest scheme of compromising will fail. He may not have been doing well in the polls, but he was winning them where they counted, and now that the curtain has been pulled back to reveal a spineless flip-flopper (I hate that word, but I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine) with no scruples of any kind. No one will be able to respect a man like that.
So I may have misspoken earlier when I said we Democrats are doomed. We may only be partially doomed. And with that, I will let you go. I apologize for today, it was not my best day, and I hope to return next time with something to say worth saying, and maybe you’ll forgive me. Of course, I’ll have my self-confidence back then, so I won’t really give two shits either way. You can all go to hell. Good night.

Jews Never Had This Problem

It seems these days that marketing companies insist on sinking their fangs into the most unholy of places. Nickelodeon is the highest grossing cable network on television, mostly because advertisers are so eager to cater to this immense market demographic. Children spend more money on unnecessary crap than millionaires and old people do who, lets face it, might as well spend it while they’ve got the time. This is probably because most children don’t have to worry about providing for the basics in life, shelter and whatnot. Moreover, I imagine that many parents have bought into that line of crap that raising children is the greatest reason for existence. That belief has manifested itself into providing monetary extravagance for their children, whose wants are often unconventional by adult standards (I mean, honestly, who else would spend five dollars on a bundle of cardboard vials filled with flavored sugar?). Giving in to the constant nagging of a child who has no shame and is perfectly comfortable whining for hours on end if for no other reason than to see what kind of weird voices he or she can make with his or her young vocal chords may also be a reason.
But another marketing demo being exploited these days by both advertisers and politicians is the evangelical Christian 18-45 group. These people are gaining a lot of influence, and it’s either by God’s own will, or their ability to convince themselves they are right and all others are going to hell that they’re their voices are being heard, and therefore must be sucked up to. But we must be careful when looking at how politicians and advertisers are exploiting the theologically faithful, because it isn’t just the straightforward, say what they want us to say, method that’s getting the job done. Just ask Dan Brown. He’s using religion to exploit his book’s popularity by insulting the religious and getting them to create his own media campaign that bashes his novel, but will certainly ensure that millions will read it. All over the world, people are fighting for or against the legitimacy of “The Da Vinci Code” by debating a question that both answers itself, and yet has opened a world of conflict wherein both Brown and Christian leaders can profit: is a work of fiction factual?
Now I know what you, my faithful readers, are saying right now, “I would have thought you’d be on Dan Brown’s side. After all, aren’t you a staunch defender of the first amendment, and the right for everyone to be heard, regardless of what they say?” Well, I am, and fuck you for questioning my judgment. As the voice of the people, I am obligated to preserve the right to free speech, whilst ensuring that all are heard, and the truth is found. I am, after all, a man of science. And what more fundamental concept is there in my world than the search for truth? It wasn’t until tonight that I was turned around on Dan Brown. There have been a flux of articles in the past few months about “The Da Vinci Code” and I read them all. But it wasn’t until I read a New Yorker piece that I discovered Brown to be staunchly defending the facts stated in his book. Before I heard this, I assumed that Brown was going with the same argument Tom Hanks and Ron Howard had used, that this was a fictional story not to be taken seriously. Whether facts used in the story are true is insignificant. But Brown is now saying that his book is well researched and what he’s talked about has some truth to it. But the problem is that he fails to draw a line where the factual part ends and the fiction begins. He has created a very hazy middle ground, and decided to use both sides for protection. Of course he’s shouldn’t be questioned. This is a novel after all. But he can now also say that what he’s saying has some historical basis, and is to be taken seriously.
This is dangerous ground for a species with such a wild imagination, and a willingness to believe in anything (including the existence of an all-knowing being that created our universe). We love our tales to be as wild and improbable as possible, but there’s nothing we love more than when these tales have a hint of truth to them. That just gets us frothing at the mouth.
Hence, the tendency of movies to slap the “The following is based on real events” tagline at the beginning of a movie is becoming more common than ever. Does this violate Aristotle’s laws of impossibilities and improbabilities? It’s hard to say. After all, if a probable impossibility is preferable, wouldn’t the fact that it’s just a little bit truthful add to that impossibility? Can something true make something seem more false? It’s a question for serious men, and I’ll take care of it at a later date.
But that brings about an even more serious question; does it really matter what is perceived as true and what isn’t? I would argue that it does, but I’ve been wrong before. There are several thousand members of Opus Dei. If any of them commits murder, then they’ll surely be prosecuted and sent to prison for it. Outside of that, what does it matter for the other 5,999,950,000 of us who have absolutely nothing to do with any of this nonsense? Imagination fosters progress. If we are so easily whisked away to a world where an albino monk murders in the name of God and the preservation of truth, a world where Tom Hanks can get a girl like Audrey Tautou with hair like that, why must we be brought back when our imaginary world will never intersect with the harsh strains of reality that seem to offer little interest? Interesting things happen every day. Is it possible that “The Da Vinci Code” is factual? Absolutely, as much as it is possible the entire story is bullshit. I live in Portland, Oregon, and the only time I was at Westminster Abbey, I never ran into Ian McKellen as a cripple, staging a climax of a thrilling story near the Isaac Newton sculpture. Therefore, I don’t care if it’s real or not, and it shouldn’t matter whenever you open a novel (a poorly written one, I might add) and look for a good time.I was planning on talking about gay marriage tonight, but it’ll have to wait, because I found a crack in my airtight argument while I was writing it: why on earth shouldn’t Dan Brown create this kind of stir? He may be right or wrong, but he has created a debate about truth that needs to be had. He has also created, or at least perpetuated, a mythology that has captured our imaginations beyond that which can be done in a novel. The mythology of the Da Vinci Code has entered our public lives, and seeped into areas of life where fiction is rarely able to travel. Casual conversations on the bus, theorizing while on break at work, and musing about possibilities of a world outside our own everyday lives where crazy things may or may not happen. Most discussions overheard at my office usually regard television programs, mostly American Idol, and these do so little to get us to say more than whether we liked something or not. Brown has also got over forty million people to open a book and actually read it (although they should really read the epilogue before flying to Scotland to find the Holy Grail for Christ’s sake). Few people have or will ever achieve such an accomplishment. Brown should be praised if only for that reason. Step two: teach people the difference between fact and fiction. Good Night.

Lou’s Not Here

I’m sure if one were to trace the lineage of one Mr. Loud Dobbs back to the beginning, he or she would find his family’s existence in North America to date back before the Mayflower, and even the lost colony of Roanoke. His family surely must have existed before any “Native” Americans crossed the Bering Strait. Certainly the Dobbs clan dates back to when North America was part of one giant continent, and surely his must have been the only family to actually have survived on this piece of land after the great quake. It must be, because that’s the only way he would be entitled to say the shit he’s been saying about illegal immigration. In the great tradition of failing television “news” personalities, Lou Dobbs has picked a hot-button issue and taken a controversial stand on it in order to win some ratings. He has spent the past few weeks whining about the immense problems illegal immigration has caused lately, and his dog and pony show seems to be working. News outlets spanning the continent (mostly CNN, Dobbs’ own network) have been talking about the controversy this man has stirred.
I have a funny past with Lou Dobbs that seems to emulate many of my first experiences with television personalities. I thought he was all right at first. I watched his show a few times, and I thought it was balanced, and that Dobbs wasn’t trying to be inflammatory, or outrageous like so many other news personalities do. They usually do this while boasting their complete lack of journalistic standards as if it was the way news should be and that whole “objectivity” thing was just a fad, something your daddy was into when he was growing up but is now square, and only for people who wear white pants and spend their time feeding the pigeons at the park on a fair-weathered afternoon. Levelheaded objectivity has no place in this world. We want infotainment, with more of a focus on the “tainment” part. But I digress, and this is an argument that has been staged a thousand times, we need not go there again unless we decide to fix it. The point I was starting with was that Dobbs seemed like a good shit there for a while, but I guess he wasn’t really blowing the advertisers’ skirts up, so he had to go medieval and it will probably work for about five minutes. After that, his ratings will plummet just as fast as they were a month ago, and Dobbs will have no preserved soul to speak of when he’s a copy-editor’s bitch in Poughkeepsie.

It takes a man to admit something like this, but I had a similar experience with Bill O’Reilly. I need to be clear that this was when he was first starting out on television and his reputation as a world-class prick had not become common knowledge. I had never even heard his name before this, so you can understand why it may have taken me a while to come around. But Bill O’Reilly was impressive to me the first time around. He violated every code of journalistic ethics in one show, but I was getting used to that. What impressed me was that I couldn’t tell if he was conservative or liberal, something that’s usually all too easy to find out, and I was relieved to hear someone who spoke their mind and didn’t cater to any one political ideology.
He covered a story about how the show “The Sopranos” was violent, but still important to watch as it carried some valuable lessons, though not suitable for children (liberal). And then he spent ten minutes bitching about a service in Las Vegas where rednecks can pay $10,000 and hunt naked women in a forest (While people in general probably have a problem with this, his argument was tailored to the conservative mind). No, they didn’t use real bullets, they used paint balls and the women would pretend to die when they were hit, wherein the men would be able to walk up to them, and inspect their quality as if they had just shot a ten-point buck. O’Reilly railed on the women who did this degrading thing, and on the owner of the company, though I think the men paying that kind of money for what is obviously a Freudian issue playing itself out on a scale the size of which we have never seen should probably be using that money on a world class team of psychologists. But as you can see, O’Reilly wasn’t promoting one political side, but his own opinion. Not too bad, eh?

But as I would soon learn, that was all bullshit. I must have caught him on a bad day, because it certainly didn’t happen again. I can’t watch for ten minutes without throwing something at the television, and I almost threw my parents’ cat last time. These guys win you over with their quaint old-fashioned ways, but then they are anally raped by the ratings-nistas to steal a line from Colbert. The same happened with Donny Deutsch, but the fact that he uses reading glasses as his way of distinguishing himself (like Tucker Carlson and bow-ties) should have been my first clue on that one.
So Lou Dobbs is on my douche bag list, which is getting pretty long. But I saw something else that made me upset as well. Two Latino radio DJ’s are offering someone $500 in gifts to name their newborn Lou Dobbs. They’re doing this in protest of Dobbs’ stance on immigration, so as the voice of the people I am obligated to ask what their point is exactly. I assume they’re trying to taunt him in some way; the idea of sharing a name with someone you despise can be frustrating. After all whenever you hear your own name, you will be met with conflicted feelings, certainly a terrible situation.
But I have to say I think this plan will backfire. I had to pay someone to name their kid after me, and it cost a lot more than $500, believe me. It was great though. I now have my own heir, and I don’t even have to raise her. I know what you’re saying, I’m not a girl. Let’s just say I should have asked for a sonogram before forking over the money. So I’m not sure what these two guys are doing, but I think they should find a better way to pick on Dobbs. Besides, he’s just the kind of conceited prick to get a god-complex from this. Who knows what kind of sick shit he’ll say tomorrow.
But I’ve been rambling, and you’re probably bored by now, so I’ll leave you with just one more thought. When the hell did the Clippers become a good basketball team? Did I miss a meeting? I’m a man of the twentieth century, and there a some things we can be sure of: The New York Yankees will always buy their championships, the Raiders will always play dirty, and when you talk about L.A. in the playoffs, you’re talking about the Lakers. So you can imagine the surprise I was met with last night when I turned on the television and saw Jack Nicholson in his usual seat, but on the wrong side of town. The Lakers were bounced by the Suns last week and now the Clippers are in the second round. It’s going to take me a few days to get my head around this, but I think in the end, my decision will be that the Clippers still suck, and no amount of playoff victories will change that. It’s like the sun rising in the east. If we wake up one morning to find the sun rising in the west, who knows what might happen. What we do know is that it won’t be pretty, and neither will my mood until this is all figured out. Ciao.

The Boys Are Back in Town

I must apologize for my extended absence from my writing. I was offered a slot at the last second to roadie for the Def Leopard/Journey tour over the winter, and you don’t say no to that kind of offer. It was a pretty sweet six months. We spent four of them waiting to see if there was actually going to be a tour. That one armed drummer from Def Leopard whose name I can’t recall was demanding more money for his work. Since losing his arm, the band insisted that he only be paid half his previous salary, because he was only doing half the work. He complained because the group had failed to take into account the fact that he used both his feet as well, and therefore was really doing three quarters of what he had previously done. Their lawyers met for months, and a secret agreement was finally made.
While this was going on, I felt it would be good to get in shape and be prepared for what was an opportunity of a lifetime. I measured the distance from the backstage area to the lead singer’s microphone at sixty feet, and started doing wind sprints at that length. After a few hours of this every day, I got to be pretty fast. Also, I spent a lot of time building up my tolerance to drugs as well. I started by smoking pot and drinking, but soon realized this would not suffice. So I started doing cocaine and acid. Surely the rock stars were still doing this kind of stuff. Why, when I was touring with Thin Lizzy, we would finish off an eight ball on our way to a show before even arriving at the venue.
But I was wrong. I broke out my bong on the bus only ten minutes after heading off on tour, and had the shit kicked out of me by the bassist from Journey whose name I can’t recall. Apparently these guys have gone straight. “It’s about the music now,” claimed the rhythm guitarist for Def Leopard whose name I can’t recall, “and if you’re not down with that, we’ll drop your ass off at the next town.” I couldn’t tell if he was an American speaking with a terrible English accent or just English and slightly retarded. Either way, this meant I was going to have to go cold turkey on my new, strongly developed addiction to pot, cocaine, acid and alcohol. By the third show, I couldn’t even get on my feet to pick up the mike when the lead singer dropped it while attempting to do Axle Rose’s crab dance. You’d be surprised how spry you have to be to execute that move correctly.
We were in Wichita, playing a county fair when I was asked to leave the tour…in a manner of speaking. I couldn’t stop staring at the one armed drummer. It just looked so funny, and the fairgrounds did not live up to its reputation as the most exciting place on earth. The Ferris wheel was about fifteen feet high, and the ticket girl gave terrible head. I spent much of my free time during the concerts on the side of the stage, laughing at the one armed drummer. I think the shock of going through sudden detox after developing a drug addiction so rapidly sharpened my sense of humor. My laughing must have been really loud, because the bassist from Def Leopard whose name I can’t recall came back stage while playing that “sugar” song, grabbed me, and threw me into the crowd. Rednecks beat me senseless with beer bottles after the lead singer told them what I’d been doing. Honestly, these are the same people who not one hour before had spent twenty minutes marveling at the bearded lady. When did laughing at one kind of deformity become so worse than laughing at another?
By the time I came around six hours later, the tour bus had long since left, and Blue Oyster Cult was setting up their gear for the next night’s show. I felt it was time to return to the Rose City, but I was broke and without any means of survival. I would be forced to walk back to Portland, and walk I did.
It only took me a couple of months to return. It may have been quicker, but I was picked up by the wrong people while hitchhiking. If you ever go hitchhiking and someone has a sign in their car that says “Ass, Gas or Grass, no one rides for free,” make sure you have money for the last two, because the “ass” part of the deal is not necessarily what you think it is.

But I’m back, and not a moment too soon. You leave your post as the voice of the people to fulfill a lifelong dream, and look what happens. President Bush is having a little trouble with those enviro-Nazis regarding gas. First, they want us to be independent of oil, then they start to bitch when oil prices sky rocket. You’re like a bunch of women. I also heard a thing or two on the road about some sort of hurricane last year, but don’t those things happen every year? Who gives a shit? We’re obviously not focusing right now. The importing thing to remember is that President Bush is sorry for what he’s done and now he’s trying to make up for it. Surely you’ve read about the “Whitehouse shakeup” going on. It’s all over Fox News and CNN. All kinds of important people have resigned or been indicted. And now I know what you’re thinking, “oh, these people were forced to resign in order to give the appearance of change to raise President Bush’s dipping poll numbers.” But you’ve heard the man say he doesn’t pay attention to poll numbers. He’s above that, so what the hell are you talking about? And wouldn’t he fire these people if he wanted to give an impression of change? It just doesn’t make any sense. Even the head of the CIA has resigned. Something about poker games, strippers and limousines.
It sounds like honest to God change to me, and I for one am looking forward to a productive final three years. Maybe we’ll finally be able to stop those goddamn Iranians. We should have no problem surprising them, what with all our troops already being strategically situated in Iraq. You have to hand it to Donny Rumsfeld, he really thinks ahead. I bet he’d be good at chess.

There’s so much for us to discuss, and so much for me to fix, and I plan on doing it all in the next few months, or at least until I get bored with this again. Oh, and sorry about the Summer Serial, for those of you just dying to finish it, the main character died the next day. No one went to his funeral.
Oh, and when we get a chance, someone will have to fill me in on this whole immigration thing. Is it true that people are crossing the border illegally? How did we not know about this?Anyways, you can rest for now. I am back at my desk, drinking again, and listening Charlie 97 FM, only the greatest music stretching over the entire span of the history of Rock ‘n’ Roll. Right now, there’s this great song I used to listen to while making out with my dry-hump friend in the back of the family Previa in college. It’s called “Don’t Stop Believin’” by some group whose name I can’t recall. Good night.